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ANSWER SHEET
SECTION 1 (Questions 1-2)
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Rarely do they check in with these people; if they did, the answers might be surprising. The most obvious example I see is around living up to perceived paternal expectations. Our parents, and particularly our fathers, seem to have an almost gravitational influence on key decisions and the direction we take. We worry about their judgements, but these say more about the weaknesses they have than the problems they think we may be facing.
James came to me in the middle of his career, successful in the "non-maverick" sense, but totally stuck and trapped. In the second session he began to talk about a career he wished he had in architecture. Then he lit up as he told me about some clay he had recently bought to start ceramics again after a 30-year gap. I asked him what had led him into his current career and he started to talk about his father, grandfather and other ancestors. He felt an enormous pressure to conform and to succeed on their metrics, which were very financial and profile-based. The irony of course is that in borrowing someone else's definition of success James hadn't really smashed it and fulfilled his own potential. He wasn't passionate about what he was doing; he wasn't uniquely talented in it. We talked about how he was working with one hand tied behind his back. He had worked very hard to do well and to please his ancestors, but such efforts came at a great cost to himself.
The idea of scrutiny is compounded by the dangers of comparison. We rehearsed a difficult and overdue conversation with his father, where James let his dad know that he was OK, grateful for his input, and that over the next few months and years, he was going to transition into work that was more creative and architecture-led. In the end, he gave his dad a big hug, thanked him, and with that, he was free. Of course, it's not just worrying about what others might see. The idea of scrutiny is compounded by the dangers of comparison - even if you're not concerned about what people might think of you, perhaps you are silently worrying about how you look or perform or achieve up against someone you admire. But it's the same trap, in a different guise comparison does not help you live a free life. As the mother of a client used to say to her, 'Stop comparing your insides to someone else's outsides.'
Social media has turbocharged this insidious game of comparison and instead of liberating us, it
tipe ne to these mienercentions of what 'good' looks like Money medals and mentions become
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